DUNN DOES PORTUGAL !

Extracts from the diary of roving gonzo reporter Jo "pornstar" Dunn
as she and the heroic cowboy minstrels of Cardiff Band Doofer relocate to sunny Portugal for the summer.

Scroll down for latest instalment...
24 June 2002

We've been run out of town.
Always thought this would happen but didn't expect the spectacular style in which it occured.
Alvor is a long distant and painful memory as we are now in Tavira, very close to the Spanish border.
Events that led to the fleeing of Alvor are as follows (although they may not be in the correct order)
Janeen lost her credit card over a month ago and we are still waiting for its return. The campsite
in Alvor was, for want of better words, run by one of hitlers buddies.
Jane arrived in Alvor, without Martin who apparently hadn't manage to get a passport despite
having over a month to get it. He then apparently booked another flight a week later - but failed
(we think) to get on it. For all we know he could be wandering around the Algarve looking for us.
Evil campsite man ordered us off the sight, despite the fact there were by now 5 children
involved. Mark had a small disagreement with him, so camp man phoned the police. Mark did a
runner. So the police bundled myself, Janeen, Jane and all the kids into a police van and told us
we were being taken to the British Embassy as we didn't have any money. They lied. They took
us to the police station instead. We spent 3 hours there with mark missing in action somewhere in
Alvor with no shoes, no money and most importantly no Beer.
Anyway one thing led to another involving spending several days packed into a mini bus, train
journeys, and arriving in Tavria and sleeping on the station for a night.
But things have almost sorted themselves out as we are now on a Island with beautiful white
sand, blazing sunshine, parties late into the night, and probably the best campsite in the world.
And we've started the Yinky Yonky Yacht Club.
See you all soon campers.Greetings from sunny Tavira

01 July 2002
How was Glastonbury? Our camp site is a bit like that, except we have hot showers and the
toilets work. Oh and the beer comes in really cold half litter glasses and only costs about a quid.
It's a very, very busy camp site 2 minutes from the beach. Very handy. AS its on an Island we
have to get on the ferry to get to the mainland. If we miss the last ferry it doesn't matter - we just
get on aqua taxis which as basically very fast speed boats with very friendly drivers. Oh we miss Cardiff so much.
AS some of you may know by now, Martin has not materialized and Janeen has returned to
Cardiff for a holiday. Mark's oldest boys have arrived and they complain constantly about sand
getting on their trainers, the fact they have to do their own washing by hand, it's hot, it's cold, the
sand, the sand getting in their food, the sand getting on their hands, and just the sand in general.
Since our run in with the police things have gotten a bit boring. No more excitement or adventure.
But tomorrow's another day.
Good seeing Brazil winning the world cup. We watched it on the beach. Despite the fact there are
an awful lot of Germans here there cheer that went up at the final whistle was fantastic. Seem all
the Portuguese wanted Germany to lose. So did the Spanish, and the odd brummy and
Glaswegian who we find knocking around.
Any way Thank you to all those who have actually managed to reply to these e-mail. Good on you.
And to all those lazy, lunched out bums who can't get it together - you know who you are - sort it out!!! Love
The Yinky Yonky Yacht Club
XXXXX

Aug. 2002
Marks eldest sons have returned home yesterday - but not without leaving their mark on the
camp site and the hotel across the river.
In a bizarre chain of events which culminated in Mark, Martin, Iolo and Dylan deciding to swim
across the river to the hotel on the other side. Despite the fact it took them 15 minutes and
they had to dodge ferries and speed boats, they reached dry land. Upon entering the hotel they
discovered paradise. And decided to stop for the day. Iolo and Dylan swam in the swimming
pool and lounged on sun loungers, whilst Mark involved himself with the aerobics work out.
Martin, however announced he would see them all "in a bit". Ten minutes later he reappears
with a tray containing 4 large gin and tonics and 4 pints. When questioned as to how he got
these things as none of them had any money he replied " I went up to the bar and said room
256, put a squiggly on a piece of paper and they gave me these." This continued for several
hours and the swim back was hard work - or so they say.
Our friend on the camp site Dough from Glasgow has been alcohol free for 4 months until the
night before last. What a complete personality change. He was supposed to be looking after
Pete who currently is on crutches due to a compound fracture which he did whilst drunk,
but his 3 day tequila binge is spiralling out of control. He fell onto his own
tent last night, and the tent next to it. Why do we always attract these kinds of people?
Janeen had a fire in her tent due to an unattended candle. Was woken up by two women
screaming and putting out the flames for her.
Myself and Fin have lost a toe nail each (at different times but spookily on the same day)
Mark has lost his passport down one of the cracks in the bar on the campsite. This same bar
keeps on playing the Doofer CD every day. The bar staff are always humming Kiss Your Forehead.
Mark is also the most successful busker in town and is developing a mime act.
And by the ay we're not coming back. We'll we are for Christmas then it's bye bye Cardiff.
We're still in Tavira by the way. The place is on lay lines.
Yinky Yonky Yacht Club.
Still sailing.
XXX

Aug 2002
The inevitable has happend. Yes ladies and gentlemen we have been thrown off the
campsite. It all started with Mark deciding to throw his eldest sons luggage over the campsite
fence on the day they left. Needless to say he was spotted. They held Janeen captive on the
campsite for 3 days until Mark raised enough money to pay them.
No matter as we have upgraded our accomadation and now reside in a wicked flat complete
with kitchen, veranda, washing machine, beds, hot water, and bamboo roof. All right in the
centre of Tavira and its onlt €15 a night more than the sand ridden campsite.
Martin has left. Buat Mal (from Jersey but lived in cardiff for a while) has arrived.
Sun's still shining. And the wildlif's good - namely the flamingos (who have just had baby
flamingoes) and the chameleons. Yinky Yonky Yacht Club

Bruce Willis Special

Since we have left the sand pit of an island (leaving behind all 4 tents, and Mark's passport which
still remains under the floor boards of the bar) we have been given the oppertunity to sample
Tavira's night life a little more. The place has one night club which is open until 7am (when the bars
open up again) not that we have been there. Apparently all it play's is euro pop which is something
we are in no mood for. We have also been to a free wine and canapes soire involving crap art (I
though it was crap - it was just blank pieces of white paper with some sort of rubbing on them. A 5
year old could do better, trust me Mark has two of them). Sampled the local Carribean resturant,
had bacon sandwiches, made friends with the locals, and been celebrity spotting.
Last week we saw Bruce Willis in one of the resturants that Mark busks at. And Mark being the
cheeky cherpy chapy he is decided this could be the oppertunity he needed to launch his career.
He then proceded to sing Friendly Ball of Fire (that ever popular Doofer track), then asked Mr.
Willis if he though he could use it in his next film. Bruce was very nice about it, saying he though
the song was very, very good and he would like a copy of it... but he didn't think that the lyrics "Hit
me with a friendly ball of fire, high up in the sky" would go down too well with the americans what
with september the 11th and everything. He gave Mark €20 for his effort and bought us a drink
each. Very nice man. Said he had been "vacationing" in Taviria since his daughter was born. He
likes the place as "the portugese don't care who I am as long as I spend loads of money, and
there's hardly any tourists, but that's changed in the last two years". He's got our email address so
who knows, Doofer may one day grace the silver screen.
And last night we met Bill Oddie of the Gooddies fame in Tavira's only chinese resturants. He's
either very popular or he has loads of children. There must have been about nine of them around
his table. He was very nice even though Mark was very incoherant with alcohol and kept on telling
crap jokes.
Tonight were going to see lots of Portugese pands play in the old Tuna canning factory which
should be fun. Then tommorrow we may got to Faro for a McDonalds.
It's still hot, but that Algarve wind has returned.
Yinky Yonky Yacht Club.
Abond ship, or hope. It's up to you

to be continued....